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Rush
in action, people. Come on. How ridiculous is this shit?]] Rush is a Canadian prog-rock band, which means that they play 20 minute rock 'n' roll songs with maple syrup dumped all over them. Their concerts look like an eleven-dimensional multiverse made up of tiny vibrating strings, and nobody likes theoretical physics. Aside from that, they put on a sweet show and rock it out. They have perfected the art of the in-concert drum solo, even employing bass syrup bottles and maple-leaf crash cymbals in live performances to show off how Canadian they are. The drummer and lyricist is obsessed with Ayn Rand. Obsessed. Members of Rush * Rush Limbaugh - hot air, sweat, cigars * Geddy Lee - vocals, bass guitar, keys, pedals * Alex Lifeson - electric guitar, acoustic guitar, pedals * Neil Peart - percussion, deep thoughts The Canadian History, Eh Rush was formed in 1973 by Geddy Lee, Alex Lifeson, and that Neil guy. At first, the band was called Big Smelly Mushroom, so named for the hallucinogenic fungus so beloved of its founders. In 1974, all-American radio personality and hero Rush Limbaugh joined the young proto-punk group, providing a central rallying point for the angry young rebels and injecting some much-needed truthiness and Americanness into the Toronto nightlilies. The eponymous debut album, released days before Limbaugh joined the band and provided it with its new name, was quickly retitled Rush from its original name of Mushroom Gone Hog Wild, Eh and rereleased. The band created a distinctive sound by combining hard rock, prog rock, and thinking. 1975 saw the release of (at least) two more albums, among them being Fly by Night and Caress of Steel. They were all really bad because they involved thinking. 2112, their 1976 album widely regarded as their worst ever, contained so much thinking - including an anti-authority anthem in the title suite and an anti-freedom barnstormer in the album closer, "Something For Nothing" - that it melted the brains of over half of all Americans who tried to listen to it. The Canadians, of course, did not notice and snapped up the album in droves like the dumb, poll-smoking sheep that they are. A Farewell to Kings, released in 1977, saw Rush changing their tune somewhat under the patient, gentle guidance of band leader Limbaugh. Keeping in mind the sensibilities of Christian audiences, Limbaugh persuaded the Neil kid to cut a proposed expletive-filled rant against King George III from the title track while maintaining its feeling of indignant anger at this most evil of Georges (see Axis of Bad Georges for more evil Georges). Unfortunately, 1978's Hemispheres saw the band reverting stubbornly back to form with a twenty-minute epic full of thinking...and, worst of all, paganism. Remember, kids, pagans are Christian-hating witches who should be burned (the band would later address this...be patient). During the year of 1979, a lot of things happened. For example, Pink Floyd released The Wall, and Kurt Cobain shot himself. When Rush returned with their seventh full-length studio album, Permanent Waves, in 1980, they had completely revamped their sound and adopted the great, America-loving sound of pure arena rock...almost. They included three very offensive songs on Permanent Waves, these being: "Freewill", an anthem telling people how great it is to be an atheist and how God isn't real; "Entre Nous", which has a title made out of French words; and "Natural Science", which hardly requires any explanation at all. With some tutelage from Limbaugh, Rush cut down on thinking so much for Moving Pictures (1981), which contained the songs "Tom Sawyer", about how the modern-day warrior is bold and free (although the line "No, his mind is not for rent / To any god or government" is still highly offensive and is often bleeped out when the song receives radio airplay, which happens about every other year or so); "Limelight", about how great it is to be famous; and "Witch Hunt", an allegory for the merciless jihad of vile Islamofascists. Moving Pictures did all right. In 1983, Rush released Signals. Signals showed considerable influence from the New Wave sensation Stephen and the Colberts. It contained the song "New World Man", which was written about America and how much Rush wishes that they could be American, because America is a New World Man, and he is hot. Allegedly, Geddy Lee had been having trouble with the ladies (just look at that schnozz and see if you can't figure out why!) and expressed his frustrations to lyricist Neil Young - err, Peart - who immediately wrote the song as an expression of agreement. Grace Under Pressure, released in the harmless year of 1984, used shrieking synths and dire lyrics to make people really scared about the Cold War. Reportedly, the great Ronald Reagan wet himself from fright when he heard it, but that might just be a lie perpetrated by the liberal media. Power Windows (1985) used even more synths, but didn't talk about the Cold War because Limbaugh told the rest of the band not to scare President Reagan anymore. 1987's Hold Your Fire was about a bunch of pussy hippie stuff and included a song called "Open Secrets", in which Geddy Lee frankly discussed his lack of balls with wide-eyed listeners everywhere. The album was a disastrous flop. Rush decided that maybe synths weren't really their thing and changed form for Presto in 1989, which contained (among other things) a song about the power of the Supreme Court, a song about the weather in Canada, a song that took the Lord's name in vain, a song about self-mutilation, a song referring to teenage pregnancy, a song about being famous (again), a song using a bunch of metaphors or onomotopoeia or something literary like that, a song about AIDS, a song about rock-paper-scissors, and a song about photography. The cover had rabbits on it. The only people in the world who bought the album within the first five years of its release were Freddie Mercury, the Ghost of Ansel Adams, and Lenny from Of Mice and Men. After Ronald Reagan ended the Cold War with the help of Margaret Thatcher, Rush released another album: Roll the Bones, in 1991. The title track involved the Neil person rapping. Rap is crap. It was another colossal bomb for Rush. 1993 saw the release of Counterparts, which was blatant enough to have a big screw on the cover. Way to go, Rush! By this time, the paternal influence of Limbaugh was clearly slipping; Counterparts included a song, "Nobody's Hero", that glorified homosexuality, as well as "Animate", which was about how boys should act like girls. Three years later, 1996's Test for Echo was released. The two people who actually bought the album were shocked to discovered that it was just a fifty-minute-long collage of noises, including Geddy Lee's impersonation of a howler monkey. They buried their heads in their hands and slept for a thousand years. Some stuff happened after that. The Neil person's family apparently was eaten by a rogue rhinocerous. Actually, that might have been A Series of Unfortunate Events...yes, actually, that was what the compilation of Rush's "greatest hits" was called. Then, in 2002, Rush came out with Vapor Trails, which was so loud that nobody could hear what the hell was actually going on. Some have theorized that instead of actually playing music, the members of Rush actually just recorded themselves banging on pots, shouting obscenities in Mandarin Chinese, and slurping beer, but the production is so bad that nobody can really tell if that's true or not. In 2004, they released a short EP album of cover songs from the '60s and '70s called Feedback. Nobody has listened to it yet. Rush will be releasing their umpteenth full-length studio album in 2007. It will probably be called something pretentious and stupid. You should buy it if you love America, because that would make Rush Limbaugh feel a little bit better. And if you make Rush Limbaugh happy, The Baby Jesus will let you go to Heaven. Rush Trivia * Rush has released at least 18 studio albums to date. None of them are worth listening to. * One of Rush's albums is actually just a singing paperback copy of The Fountainhead. * Test for Echo, Rush's 1996 release, has an illustration of some Algonquin thing from Canada on it, which might explain why the album is so unpopular with, well, everybody except for people who are high (see: Canadians). * Despite their reputation of being just another gaggle of canucks, Rush was co-founded by and named for the all-American conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh. His intentions remain unknown, but many have theorized that Limbaugh is trying to influence and convert the liberal Canadians to the selfless and great cause of conservativism. If they follow their great leader, they might get a gold star and honorary degrees as American citizens.